Relationship Secrets Series: How to Stay Madly in love with your Spouse
Hi and welcome back to Lolly's Secrets! What a week! This week I will be talking about relationships and advice on how to stay madly in love with your boyfriend, life partner, lover, best friend, spouse or husband.
The list goes on! This relationship love advice is actually applicable if you are a woman or a man and also to any important relationship in your life.
Personally, I can only apply all the points we will cover, if not majority of them, to maximum 3 people in my life.
I’d rather perfect it with the top three people in my life than try to be mediocre with everyone, including my husband. Currently I am focusing this strategy on only my husband and I plan to extend this to my child or children when that time comes.
If you don't already know by now, I am married to the love of my life, let’s call him Jay. Jay is everything I ever wanted in a man but is also very different from what i imagined. I think I might do another post on how I prepared for marriage.
I met Jay in June 2016 and we got married September 2017. Our relationship has not been without its high and lows.
We are far far from perfect but, we have found a way to keep some constants. You could call them our foundation.
We have used this foundation as solid ground to stand on when things get a bit shaky. One might say well “why do you think you are qualified enough to talk on this subject? You’ve only just got married!!!” “you haven’t been in a relationship long enough to know what it takes”.
Well my fellow readers, I may not have been in this relationship as a veteran but I have witnessed a lot of relationships around me as well as what I have gone through in past relationships and I have decided what I want and what I don't want in a relationship.
I have had multiple in depth discussions with Jay and thankfully we are in sync on what we both want, emotionally, out of our relationship with one another.
We did the 5 Love Languages quiz and the Apology Language quiz which went a long way to understanding how to communicate love between ourselves. And when love fails, how to apologise the right way. Click the links and try it guys!
On that note, let's get into some of the major foundational blocks that keep us together:
Words hurt, I don't care what anyone says. They just do. You should always keep in the back of your mind that you need to think of more sensitive ways of getting your point across without destroying the other person.
There is an expression a cousin taught me…
Basically don't get so carried away and do anything to “win” your point that you completely disregard the other person’s feelings and turn the disagreement into a battle ground that is bloody and vicious.
I know that in the past when i was frustrated, i would say “that is dumb” or “ that is just stupid”.
You can imagine that wouldn’t go down well as the person would feel you are belittling their point and calling them stupid (saying they are not intelligent). This can only devolve into a super shit show.
The same goes for the tone of voice and body language. When you roll your eyes or take a defensive stance (cross arms) or even talk with an aggressive tone, it automatically triggers the aggression in the other person.
Please also do not raise your voice no matter how frustrated you get. It is not a healthy way to solve your problems.
The moral here is to make sure you find the best way possible to communicate.
One thing I’ve learnt is not to say “I hate it when you..” or “i dont like it when you…” but instead “ when you do A it makes me feel B. This works a charm!!!
Another thing is to ensure that if you are not in the right frame of mind to have an open conversation regarding an issue, ask to postpone it so that you are prepared to take the necessary steps to stay rational in the conversation.
Firstly, not everyone needs to know your business so please don't have a “domestic” in public. Don't air out your dirty laundry for everyone to see. It is humiliating and ends up blowing up way out of proportion due to puffery. There is a time and place for everything.
Secondly, your loved one will frustrate and irritate you at times but you just have to look at it with the view that their good far outweigh their bad and if this is not the case… giiiirl…. Maybe you need to consider why you are with them in the first place.
You simply cannot pick every single little thing that they do that irritates you and complain about it all the time, this is called nagging. Imagine someone was doing that to you because, afterall, you are also not perfect right?
So once again… I try to only speak on things that are big issues for me and even then, I pick the right time to discuss.
I make sure I catch him in a relatively good mood. Who wants to have a discussion like that when they’ve had a bad day at work? Or as a segway from another fight or argument? Not me!
A dear friend said to me "sometimes Lolly... you have to take an “L” (loss) for the team. you cant always both push your needs at the same time". Yes! I found this to be true!
Sometimes he wants something and i also want something but we both can't have what we want at the same time so we assess who needs theirs more based on our own metrics which is:
These questions help us clarify and prioritise our needs and wants.
The important thing is that you are finding new ways to make the other person happy at least once a week.
It could be helping them with a chore or a surprise dinner and movie or a surprise back rub and massage. Pretty much anything you know that will make your loved one happy.
The best thing you can do is find a way to compromise and meet them halfway. Don't say an outright NO.
Try to find a solution that you can both live with. An example of when this happened was when Jay wanted to make meatball sauce for us using lamb. Don't ask me why but he loves lamb for meat balls. I prefer beef or pork with beef is usually tastier for me.
Of course it was a hell no to lamb but we met in the middle and he had his lamb mixed with pork and i had my beef with pork ( well actually he forgot to add the pork to mine but at least i wasn't forced to eat lamb)!
I also tried one lamb meatball and it was actually good...not as great as mine but hey.. I tried it… i ate what i wanted and he ate what he wanted.
I just thought yeah right!!! Like thats realistic!!! But in hindsight… I think I understand. Now! I'll say… not all things can be resolved same day! I can’t stress this enough!!!
Some things are so big that it takes a lot of processing before you discuss, then process some more, before you discuss again and then find a solution.
But all things considered, if you can resolve the issue the same day, swallow your pride, accept the apology or apologise, don’t hold grudges, shake off the irritation, suck it up, man up and move on!!! The fewer unresolved issues you have between you, the better!
In the meantime, I encourage you to read the books by Gary Chapman, “The 5 Love Languages” and "The 5 Languages of Apology". We decided to read his and hers books called “Kingdom Woman” by Chrystal Evans Hurst Tony Evans and “Kingdom Man” by Tony Evans as well. This gave a lot of perspective for doing things the christian way. I would also recommend that you read “Creative Romance” by Doug Fields as he talks about combating insensitivity and neglect through creative romantic actions.
I hope this post was useful for you if you are actively looking to keep your relationship strong in love, compassion, sensitivity empathy. I wish I knew there was a place with all this information to hand when I was developing into an adult and dating people who took me for granted. I'm just happy I found the right one. I don't manage to apply every single one of these all the time but I try as much as possible and you know they say practice makes perfect!
If you follow me on Instagram, you know the ups and downs I’ve been going through. If you want to know more or connect with with me more, head on over to my Instagram and Facebook pages. Lord knows you can relate to the different things that I go through. so don't forget to follow me on all social media!
What do you think? have you tried any of these approaches to your relationships? what approach has worked for you in the past? let me know in the comments below.
Watch out for the next part in this series!
Until the next post. Ciao!
Love,
The list goes on! This relationship love advice is actually applicable if you are a woman or a man and also to any important relationship in your life.
Personally, I can only apply all the points we will cover, if not majority of them, to maximum 3 people in my life.
If you don't already know by now, I am married to the love of my life, let’s call him Jay. Jay is everything I ever wanted in a man but is also very different from what i imagined. I think I might do another post on how I prepared for marriage.
I met Jay in June 2016 and we got married September 2017. Our relationship has not been without its high and lows.
We are far far from perfect but, we have found a way to keep some constants. You could call them our foundation.
We have used this foundation as solid ground to stand on when things get a bit shaky. One might say well “why do you think you are qualified enough to talk on this subject? You’ve only just got married!!!” “you haven’t been in a relationship long enough to know what it takes”.
Well my fellow readers, I may not have been in this relationship as a veteran but I have witnessed a lot of relationships around me as well as what I have gone through in past relationships and I have decided what I want and what I don't want in a relationship.
I have had multiple in depth discussions with Jay and thankfully we are in sync on what we both want, emotionally, out of our relationship with one another.
We did the 5 Love Languages quiz and the Apology Language quiz which went a long way to understanding how to communicate love between ourselves. And when love fails, how to apologise the right way. Click the links and try it guys!
On that note, let's get into some of the major foundational blocks that keep us together:
Be Careful of What You Say and How You Say It
It is very easy to get carried away in the heat of the moment when you disagree or argue or fight with one another.Words hurt, I don't care what anyone says. They just do. You should always keep in the back of your mind that you need to think of more sensitive ways of getting your point across without destroying the other person.
There is an expression a cousin taught me…
"Don't throw away the baby with the bathwater”.
Basically don't get so carried away and do anything to “win” your point that you completely disregard the other person’s feelings and turn the disagreement into a battle ground that is bloody and vicious.
I know that in the past when i was frustrated, i would say “that is dumb” or “ that is just stupid”.
You can imagine that wouldn’t go down well as the person would feel you are belittling their point and calling them stupid (saying they are not intelligent). This can only devolve into a super shit show.
The same goes for the tone of voice and body language. When you roll your eyes or take a defensive stance (cross arms) or even talk with an aggressive tone, it automatically triggers the aggression in the other person.
Please also do not raise your voice no matter how frustrated you get. It is not a healthy way to solve your problems.
The moral here is to make sure you find the best way possible to communicate.
One thing I’ve learnt is not to say “I hate it when you..” or “i dont like it when you…” but instead “ when you do A it makes me feel B. This works a charm!!!
Another thing is to ensure that if you are not in the right frame of mind to have an open conversation regarding an issue, ask to postpone it so that you are prepared to take the necessary steps to stay rational in the conversation.
Photo credit: Marriage Made Better
Pick Your Battles
Have you ever looked at an older couple that you know and seen one of them say or do something that would have instantly had you blowing up real quick, but you look over at the person who was supposed to be offended and they kept their cool? There is a reason for that.Firstly, not everyone needs to know your business so please don't have a “domestic” in public. Don't air out your dirty laundry for everyone to see. It is humiliating and ends up blowing up way out of proportion due to puffery. There is a time and place for everything.
You simply cannot pick every single little thing that they do that irritates you and complain about it all the time, this is called nagging. Imagine someone was doing that to you because, afterall, you are also not perfect right?
So once again… I try to only speak on things that are big issues for me and even then, I pick the right time to discuss.
I make sure I catch him in a relatively good mood. Who wants to have a discussion like that when they’ve had a bad day at work? Or as a segway from another fight or argument? Not me!
A dear friend said to me "sometimes Lolly... you have to take an “L” (loss) for the team. you cant always both push your needs at the same time". Yes! I found this to be true!
Sometimes he wants something and i also want something but we both can't have what we want at the same time so we assess who needs theirs more based on our own metrics which is:
“Do you need this or want it? If you don’t get it now how can this adversely affect you or us? How long can you wait to get it? How important is it to you right now?”
These questions help us clarify and prioritise our needs and wants.
Surprise and Delight
So I’m terrible at this but Jay is constantly finding ways to keep me on my toes. He is romantic and loving like that. I'd rather just ask you what you want and get it done.The important thing is that you are finding new ways to make the other person happy at least once a week.
It could be helping them with a chore or a surprise dinner and movie or a surprise back rub and massage. Pretty much anything you know that will make your loved one happy.
Don't Say No Without an Alternative
I learnt this from a five star hotel that i had the pleasure of working for. You know sometimes they want you to do something and you really don't want to do it or don't think it is the right way to do it.The best thing you can do is find a way to compromise and meet them halfway. Don't say an outright NO.
Try to find a solution that you can both live with. An example of when this happened was when Jay wanted to make meatball sauce for us using lamb. Don't ask me why but he loves lamb for meat balls. I prefer beef or pork with beef is usually tastier for me.
Of course it was a hell no to lamb but we met in the middle and he had his lamb mixed with pork and i had my beef with pork ( well actually he forgot to add the pork to mine but at least i wasn't forced to eat lamb)!
I also tried one lamb meatball and it was actually good...not as great as mine but hey.. I tried it… i ate what i wanted and he ate what he wanted.
Be Quick to Apologise
Ego and pride are dangerous bedfellows ladies! I have another cousin who once said to me “ never go to sleep angry at your spouse”.I just thought yeah right!!! Like thats realistic!!! But in hindsight… I think I understand. Now! I'll say… not all things can be resolved same day! I can’t stress this enough!!!
Some things are so big that it takes a lot of processing before you discuss, then process some more, before you discuss again and then find a solution.
But all things considered, if you can resolve the issue the same day, swallow your pride, accept the apology or apologise, don’t hold grudges, shake off the irritation, suck it up, man up and move on!!! The fewer unresolved issues you have between you, the better!
In Conclusion
I didn't realise how much I had to say on this topic! I guess we are going to have to make a part 2 of this as i still have another 5 or so tips on staying in love with your loved one.In the meantime, I encourage you to read the books by Gary Chapman, “The 5 Love Languages” and "The 5 Languages of Apology". We decided to read his and hers books called “Kingdom Woman” by Chrystal Evans Hurst Tony Evans and “Kingdom Man” by Tony Evans as well. This gave a lot of perspective for doing things the christian way. I would also recommend that you read “Creative Romance” by Doug Fields as he talks about combating insensitivity and neglect through creative romantic actions.
I hope this post was useful for you if you are actively looking to keep your relationship strong in love, compassion, sensitivity empathy. I wish I knew there was a place with all this information to hand when I was developing into an adult and dating people who took me for granted. I'm just happy I found the right one. I don't manage to apply every single one of these all the time but I try as much as possible and you know they say practice makes perfect!
If you follow me on Instagram, you know the ups and downs I’ve been going through. If you want to know more or connect with with me more, head on over to my Instagram and Facebook pages. Lord knows you can relate to the different things that I go through. so don't forget to follow me on all social media!
What do you think? have you tried any of these approaches to your relationships? what approach has worked for you in the past? let me know in the comments below.
Watch out for the next part in this series!
Until the next post. Ciao!
Love,
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