Unrequited Love Series: Situationships

Hi and welcome back to Lollys Secrets! I spoke about this series on Instagram and I promised you that I would come out with the next part after the Part 1- Best Friends post but I’ve been busy being loved up.

I’m ready to dive in now! In this next part of the unrequited love series we are going to talk about Situationships. Sigh!...I’m someone that has a very long memory.

When I recall a situation, I can feel everything I felt all over again like its happening right now! I think that's why I have struggled to forgive in the past. Work in progress!!! But I digress…

What is a Situationship?

I think we first need to understand what a situationship means so that you can fully understand the pain in this. The urban dictionary describes it as “A relationship that has no label on it.. like a friendship but more than a friendship but not quite a relationship”. It further gives a scenario:

Me: Me and this guy have been talking for six months now.
Friend: Are you guys together?
Me: Its like were together but were not.. it’s more of a situationship that's happening.

The Beginning

My sister in-law had a big birthday coming up and everyone was excited about this because my brother did not hold back and ensured no cost was too high to celebrate the love of his life.

I was just excited to go to a lavish party! I got there and, being a social butterfly, I circled the room and chit chatted with as many people as possible.

Food flowed, drinks flowed faster, all was well and fun. Then I saw this tall dark handsome man talking with some of my brother’s friends and I thought hmm… I've seen him before, but we’ve never spoken.I wondered what kind of woman he liked.

Now I’m a thick chick and I know I‘m not for everyone. So I like to get my expectations in line with reality and not get my hopes up if he ends up telling me something like “I think you are great but… i’m into more petite, slimmer girls”.

I learnt the hard way! That's a story for another day. Maybe I'll have that as another part in the series...hmm…

So of course I wen to my brother and ask him “hey brov! Who’s that guy? What’s his story?”. He looked in the direction I subtly gestured to and said “oh you mean Charlie?” (we will name him Charlie for obvious reasons).

“I don't know if he’s single but I DO know he’s into the thicker girls”. Yes! Finally, a tall handsome guy who would look at me and think “she’s cute!”.

First hurdle crossed! I had just come out of a rotten relationship and was ready to get back in the game. Now, how to tackle this?

I had started plotting how to approach him, what to say, how to get him to notice me as a cute girl that was his type but also fun, sweet, witty, intelligent and potential wife material. No small feat!

I chugged the last of my cocktail, for dutch courage, and walked over just as my brother’s friend was leaving the table and introduced myself to Charlie and the friend he brought with him to the party.

I decided to just be myself because at the end of the day, you can only really sustain what you really are. And I wanted him to like me for me you know?

He was friendly, nice on the eye, witty, had great banter and showed real signs of interest. I was excited and chuffed with myself for taking the leap of faith and approaching him.

Before we knew it, we had been talking for 3-4 hours and majority of the guests had gone home. My brother ushered the rest of us to a club and we continued with the fun.

He stayed close by all night and I loved it. By 5am I was wilting. It was time to go home and because I was driving, I knew I had to leave then and there, otherwise I wouldn’t have any energy left to drive.

I said my goodbyes hoping he would do the right thing and ask me for my number or something. He did one better, and decided to walk me to my car.

As I was leaving the club with him by my side, I saw a guy in the distance walking towards us. I distinctly remember that gait… it was my most recent ex!!!

All of a sudden I had a wave of every single painful emotion that I had felt upon our long drawn out break up wash over me.

Like why?! Why did he have to just show up and mess with my qi (chi) just as I had gotten my groove back!

I felt the humiliation overwhelm me and all of a sudden I needed to hide. I just didn't want my ex realising it was me and for him to see the hurt on my face and think he won.

Charlie noticed that I stopped talking and was looking down. He saw the look on my face, saw the direction I had been looking in before I changed, and put 2 and 2 together.

He did something I never expected from someone that I hardly knew. He reached for my hand, interlocked our fingers and stopped me from walking.

I kept looking down because all I wanted was to disappear and hoping against hope that the floor would swallow me.

He moved in close, held my chin with his other hand, raised my head up, stared into my eyes and said “Hey, are you ok?”. I was a massive ball of emotions and nearly had tears leaking.

He said “don't worry, I’m here”. And just like that, I felt so much better. The hated ex only saw a romantic moment between two people and he was put well in his place!

What a save! I felt such relief! And till today, I am still grateful for that act of kindness. We got to my car and he didn't want me to go home.

He insisted I crash at his friend’s house where he was staying for the night. It was a very large house and I would have my own room. But I thought nah… I really want to be in my home, in my bed, comfortable.

So he asked for my number and said he would message me to make sure I got home safely. And he did. We messaged back and forth for hours and kept the banter going until we were both too exhausted to continue.

I felt that I had found a diamond in the ruff. How many handsome, caring, smart, funny guys are out there who are also into thicker girls? In my experience, they are hard to find. And to be honest, if it is too good to be true… it usually is.

The Situationship

For a week or two after that, we continued to message one another. I needed to get my hair done one day and he mentioned a salon close to his that a friend of his managed.

We girls are usually loyal to our stylists but this day, my stylist was messing about so I decided to try this new salon as I’d heard about it before anyway.

I met him there and was given VIP treatment! This guy was just getting brownie points at every turn!

I decided to stay after getting my hair done and we chatted for ages! His friend was great fun too.

Late that evening as I was leaving, I knew I was catching feelings and I knew it was mutual but I wanted to clear the air and be sure that we were moving in the same direction.

So when he walked me to my car, I decided to ask him if he was single. And you guessed it! He wasn’t! I knew it was too good to be true! He said he didn’t want to lie to me but at the same time he definitely has feelings for me.

I’m no homewrecker. I told him I was disappointed and I didnt want feelings to further develop if there was no hope of them being reciprocated and us moving forward with a relationship.

He responded with “I've been having a rough go time in my relationship and I haven't seen my girlfriend in five months and to be honest I don't see a future with her anymore as we now seem to have different views on what our future will be. But I don't want to break up with her over the phone. When next I see her, I will tell her that it's over”.

This is when I should have said “ok! Well, when that happens, you have my number...until then...it was a pleasure”.  And I did say it...however your girl was smitten and he saw that too.

He said “let’s be friends at least until I can sort this all out. She’ll be back in another month or so. We can get to know a little bit more about each other and move forward with our relationship once it's all sorted out”.

 Looking back, I’m just shaking my head at my past self. I mean, in that time, I thought about what i knew about him so far.

He seemed genuine and caring and a pretty cool guy. I gave him credit for being honest about having a girlfriend because I knew a lot of guys who have been in that situation and have not been honest.

I also saw how caring he was of me the night we saw my ex and I thought, well, we can be friends right? There's nothing wrong in that.

I was battling with myself on this decision. I've advised countless girls in this position to back the hell away but somehow, it wasn't as easy to take my own advice.

To be honest, no one knows what you are going through. Only you do. Im sure this scenario has probably worked out for some people in the past. But looking back now… I should have known better.

So we became very good friends. I was between jobs at the time and he was an entrepreneur so we had a lot of time to spend together and our feelings developed very fast.

His girlfriend delayed her return but I felt the breakup was inevitable so I didn't think much of it.

He took me to every single major event happening in and around his life and introduced me to everyone as his very close and dear friend. I knew he couldn't introduce me as his girlfriend so I wasn't offended.

The girlfriend finally bought her ticket to return home and so we both agreed that it was in both our interests to distance ourselves for a few weeks before she arrived so he can sort the mess out and we can pick up again where we left off.

A day after he broke up with her, he asked to meet me. I was so excited!!! Finally, I get to be wit my man and call him my man!

He said although he had broken up with his girlfriend, it will be weird to jump into a new relationship so soon after the previous one and he didn’t feel right in leading me on.

He said we could be friends until the time was right but he understood if I didn’t want that. I thought about it but by this stage I was completely and utterly smitten.

I felt he was the one for me. We got on so well, he listened to me, we had similar views on how we saw our future, we made each other laugh.

I should have known that he was also breaking up with me. But yet again...I held on and said I would be his friend until he was ready.

The Break up

So we kept on being friends with a lot of romantic feelings. I helped him move house, chose the paint colour, picked out air conditioners and generators, chose carpets and curtains, etc.

We bumped into his now ex in church once which was a bit awkward but they were broken up and I just moved on with life and hoped she would too.

You name it, I did it! I wanted him to know I was ready to take that next step with him. I stayed emotionally unavailable to others and physically available to him,waiting for him, and I thought he was doing the same until….

He and his father were only starting to mend fences after years of hostility and I was the one to push him to mend those fences. You only have one father right?

He had gone to his hometown to visit his father and when he came back, he was different. It all went well and they were getting closer but things changed between us.

I cooked an amazing pasta dish and brought it for him and his friends. They were very excited and tucked in but he refused to eat any of it. That raised some alarm bells in my head.

All of a sudden I couldn't do anything right. All of a sudden I was too fat and needed to lose some weight. All of a sudden it was a problem that we spent so much time together.

All of a sudden I couldn't call him late in the evening. I asked him outright if there was someone else because I hate to be an idiot. It became a huge fight.

All of a sudden I was always wrong in anything I did. I asked his friends what was going on and the salon friend said “I don't think he’s ready for what you are dear… you should cut your losses”.

I asked why but he wouldn't elaborate due to guy code. I guess I was a glutton for punishment. Im one of those people that if I don't get a definitive answer, then I ignore whatever was said. I should have known better…

I hadn’t spoken to him for a three days and it felt like a month! We used to speak all day, every day. So I said screw this! I decided to head on over to his house and have a chat with him. Bad idea…

I got there and he was so uncomfortable. Didn't want to sit beside me, didn't really want to talk to me. All body language was screaming please leave!!!

I asked him to tell me why he was behaving like an ass as we were close enough and were very honest with one another that we could pretty much say anything to each other.

He couldn't find an answer for me. Eventually he got a call and said he would be right back. Stepped outside, and came back in with some girl.

Now! This girl!!! I swear was almost exactly me but she was from the same tribe as he was. We had the exact same build, same skin tone, same hair style and even the same dress sense!!

I swear it's hard to find someone who dressed the way I did where we lived!! She had on almost the exact same outfit I've worn a million times over before! I felt like I was staring at myself!

Her name was Chizzy and she was sweet, funny, interesting, cute, everything I felt I was but…. Same tribe as he was. I should have known better…

He went to the kitchen to get her a drink and I casually asked her if they were dating. She giggled and said “well it depends...what did he say to you?”

In that moment I just saw the vicious cycle. I realised that he was possibly about to do to her what he just did to me. I had just been replaced! It all made sense now. The distancing, the weird vibes.

When he came back, I asked him for a quick word outside and point blank asked him if he was seeing this new girl. He said not to make a scene and that he and i were just friends anyway. I was furious and humiliated.

The salon manager friend came over at that time and asked me to leave gracefully. He knew this whole time but didn't have the heart to tell me the whole truth and did what he could.

We had become good friends by this time but the friendship died in this moment.

I felt so humiliated and the red flag moments I had felt from the beginning flashed before my eyes. From when he said he had a girlfriend but we should be friends, to when he sad he wanted to give it time between relationships but we should be friends, to when I couldn't do anything right.

The puzzle started coming together and became a masterpiece.

In his reconciliation with his father, he had brought me up as a point of conversation and he was advised to marry within his tribe.

He didn't care about this tribal nonsense previously as we had spoken about this before. But it seems blood is thicker than water and he decided on which loyalties to hold on to.

I guess he found his perfect girl but because I wasn't from his tribe, he decided to find a replica that would be pleasing to his father.

He still needed to get rid of me. So he said and did everything he could to get fed up and leave him so that he wouldn't have to have that conversation with me.

He was a coward because he knew that if he had to break up with me, knowing that to be the reason, my brother would hear about it and probably rip him to shreds for leading me on. Gotta love big bro!

I was the wronged party but because we were not technically in a relationship, I technically wasn't broken up with!!! Ugh!!!

Lesson Learned

So to cut the long story short, I was lead on, broken up with but not quite, and in a situationship of my own making. Because let's face it, I consented to staying that way even if it was only supposed to be a transitional period.

Lesson learned! My next relationship was with my husband and i made sure to prepare my mind and heart for him. Not too open that i become a fool but not too closed that i dont give love a chance.

Where is Charlie now and what is he doing? Well… his dad is a gazillionaire and he was living a humble life when we were in our situationship.

As soon as he and his dad became close again, he took over 3 of the family companies, dumped Chizzy and is now a playboy. Maybe he was always this person but humility in struggling to make it on his own hid it all. I’ll never know.

When I started dating my husband and we started getting serious, he tried to add me on all social media and also tried to talk to me via Whats app. I blocked him on every platform! Not today satan!!!!!

I’m just happy it happened because although I was broken from the situationship, it taught me many lessons.

I don’t want to be lied to, i want total and complete honesty, I never want to doubt my man, I never want to have to read his mind, I have to be enough for him, I want him to be strong in his convictions and i want him to love me above all things…., and many more.

I wrote down everything I didn't want from my future husband. And ultimately what I wanted from a life partner and scenarios to test them out.

I’m a better person for this experience but I do not wish it on anyone. It was hard!!!

Sorry for the long post! I hope it was as good read for you as it was cathartic for me. I want to know if you have found yourself in a similar situation.

Were you the guy or the girl? How did it go down? What did you learn from the situationship? Let me know in the comments below.

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Until the next post! Ciao

Love,