Relationship Guide Series: How to Stay Madly in Love With Your Spouse Cont...

Hello and welcome back to Lolly’s Secrets!!! I’m still walking around here all booed up! Hence why this post is late! 

If you follow me on Instagram you would know that yesterday, my husband, Jay, has been so attentive and caring and just 😍😍😍. 

I cooked all our meals for the week, including his favourite dish called Egusi Soup. Shout out to 9jafoodie for always coming through with the best recipes for our native dishes!!! 

I was pretty exhausted from cooking so much and I sat down beside him wrecked. He pulled my legs into his lap and proceeded to massage my feet.  Mmmmm!!! It was bliss!!!

He then told me how much he was looking forward to the food as it has been smelling so delicious. And proceeded to get me some of my favourite wine from the store so I could relax and we could watch Love Island together.

He hit all 5 love languages yesterday and filled my love bank to overflowing!!! From rubbing my feet (physical touch and acts of service) to complimenting my cooking ( words of affirmation), to getting my favourite wine (gifts), to watching tv together (quality time).  Why wouldn’t I love this guy?! I reciprocated of course but in other ways (cough!)🙃🙃🙃. We shall be discussing some of those ways below! 

I cannot stress how important it is to know your love language and your partner’s love language so that you can use the information to actively fill your life partner’s love bank. Take the quiz now! 

Do the Love Language quiz together and talk about it! If you want to really get into it, read the book, The 5 Love Languages. I guarantee you, your relationship will take a turn for the better!

If you haven’t read part 1 and part 2 of this series, go now and check them out! I’ll be here waiting for you to come back and read this one too. 

We will be continuing on this journey of staying in love with your best friend, your lover, your husband, your wife, your spouse, your life partner.

Talk About Money

So I know this is very unsexy and can be a big bone of contention. Trust me I know! Money is one of the biggest issues that occur in any relationship. It can really make or break what you have built. 

I would recommend drawing up a budget and revising every year. Forecast and budget yourselves! My brother always told me that if you treat your family like a well loved business, you will succeed. 

Basically take it as seriously or even more so as a job that you love and don’t ever want to lose and you will succeed at it.

Part of this mentality is to ensure you stay within budget so you stay in the black and away from the red. Have good projections and forecast achievable numbers.

I think it is also important that you both know each other’s strengths and weaknesses when it comes to money. I love shopping, particularly online shopping, so I can be dangerous when I’m in the zone or if there are sales!!!

What people don’t know about me is that, most of the time, I have already saved in anticipation of these sales. I have gone without the instant gratification and decided to hold on so I can get more for my buck in the sales. 

All people see is spend spend spend!!! But they weren’t there when I turned down so many fun nights out or brunches, or dinners or even quick holidays. If you know me, you know that those were major sacrifices for me!!!  

I tend to get all my new stuff, then back to my wining and dining again now that I have the glad rags to go out in and always in the back of my mind, im saving a portion for the next big sale.

I am very much into delayed gratification because I am very particular about the things I want and I’d rather wait to get them than go for something less and not appreciate it. I’m like that with everything. From my husband, to my phone, to my holidays.

My husband on the other hand is very much into quick gratification. This has been a major topic of discussion, specifically how we spend all the money we have saved. Should we invest in bitcoin? Or do we do treasury bills? 

I am a low risk person when it comes to money. I like certainty. I like treasury bills. Jay loves risk!!! He loves bitcoin and all these fancy new currencies. We are now having to meet somewhere in the middle. Some money to Treasury bills, others to test the market in new ventures. 

Same with travel. He believes if you want to go to France, then go to France! Buy your cheap tickets, stay in a budget hotel and get on with sightseeing! 

There’s no need to travel business class or stay in a fancy hotel. You wanted to go to France for the location, not the journey! 

I nearly had heart failure when he said you don’t need to stay in a fancy hotel!!! I have worked in 4 and 5 star hotels my whole hospitality career. I can’t NOT stay in a fancy hotel!!! Perish the thought!!!

We have decided to try his way first which is to do everything “budget” then try my way next which is to save for a year or more then go all out on a massive holiday 🙃.

The important thing is to have these discussions one way or another so that you are both laying down each others expectations and drawing a map for yourselves and how you want your future to look based on these discussions. 

And most importantly, making sure expectations and reality are very much in line.

I know some couples do not share their money. He earns, his, she earns hers and we decide to split the bills somehow and keep eveyrhting else in our individual pockets. I truly do not agree with this.

I believe in complete intertwining of money. I can hear the gasp and see the look of horror already!!!Hear me out!!! The way we have done it is that both monthly income goes into the one account. 

It doesnt matter who earns more, it is one pot since we are one.This account is the main account that all money is moved from. All bills come out of this account and we have drawn a family budget based on what we earn. 

After all bills (rent, utilities, debt, tithes, etc), we then have individual accounts where we send an allocated allowance to each of ourselves. He has his sole account and i have mine. 

We do not need to be accountable to the other for what we do with that money. It is for those things that you want complete and utter autonomy over. 

For example, you want to give your parents some money, you want to buy your partner a gift, you want to go on a girls or boys night out. Whatever you want to do that is not a joint bill, comes from your allowance.

Try this and tell me if it didn’t work. You both have to trust one another and commit to it and be strict with yourselves. No point dipping making an agreement, only to dip in and ruin your plans.

Sex

Yes girl!!! Sex! Sex and lots of sex!!! Intimacy is great but ultimately sex! When i say sex, i mean you both need to reach orgasm! None of that nonsense of 5 minutes then done! No way! 

You both need to freshen all the necessary parts, get teasing and ultimately do the damn thing! 

For some of us living in the real world, as much as we want to have sex every single day, we know that it’s just not possible. Most times I come home from work and i am wrecked. I give 200% at work so when I go home, all I want to do is shut down!

So I’ve made up my mind that i need to give 200% at work only some of the days of the week. Fridays, I can only give 100% unfortunately. And wednesday is a hump day so realistically, it’s hard to give more than 100%. Gosh! Did I just give you my sex schedule?!! 

Jay is going to flip!! I didnt even realise i was scheduling it really!!! So I guess realistically, you need to pencil in sex weekly, otherwise the week will slip by you!

So ideally, on the days im not work obsessed, I make sure to come home early, look extra pretty and smell extra fresh, and get going!

I feel that the physical intimacy helps in reconnecting with your person. And orgasms help you to forgive a lot of nonsense! On both sides!!! 

You become so much more relaxed from spending all that tension that you just let some things go. Trust me!!! I know!

You have less energy to be petty, to hold a grudge, to be irritated and many more emotions.

I recommend 3 times a week. Even if twice is in one day. Make it work for you!

Protect Your Partner

It sounds weird...I know… but it is so important!!! When you are talking to anyone about your spouse, make sure you are not only complaining about the things you hate about your partner or the things that irritated about the way they are. 

Always find a way to add in the positives for every negative that comes to light. If possible, try not to discuss the negatives.

I say this because everything you say about your partner, whether in the heat of the moment in anger or lovey dovey… it all sticks in people’s heads! They are forming perceptions of your partner based on what you are telling them. 

The idea is not to keep your relationship secret. But not necessarily let all your skeletons out in the open! Some things are just between the two of you.

We all need confidants. Just make sure they are either unbiased or mature and intelligent enough not to spill the beans or hold unsolicited grudges against your partner on your behalf!

Remember, no one knows your partner the way you do. Make sure all advice is taken with a pinch of salt and trust your gut.

Walk a Mile in Your Partner’s Shoes

It’s easier said than done! Lord knows that when things happen, all you can really think about is your side of your situation and how you are feeling and how it is affecting you! Sigh… you need to take a deep breath, keep your mind open and ask yourself why your partner is saying what they are saying. 

What is making them feel this way? Is it a deep seated issue from childhood? Is this a major situation reappearing from a previous relationship?

What kind of a day have they had? How have they been dealing with this situation so far? Are they struggling with something and only just found the courage to say something about it?

The point is to try and look at it from their perspective, speak their lingo and see if you can find middle ground or even better, use your insight to help them better understand your perspective.

Remember… the picture is never complete… there are always other factors to take into consideration when asking your partner to do something or trying to agree on how to spend money or where to go on holiday.

Recently, Jay and I have started swapping chores monthly so that we can see the other’s perspective fully. It has been an eye opener!!! 

Things that I felt he was being lazy about… I ended up looking lazy too!!! Things that tired me out… I saw the tiredness in his eyes as well.

Now that we have swapped back for this month, everyone is so much more chilled! No snapping at the other for not getting this or that done. We now both know the circumstances that surround these things. We are better for it. 

I encourage you to do the same if you never have before. Jay is super understanding and just a great person and also loves me so he is open to anything that will help us grow together.

Date Night

And finally date night! If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I am always talking about our date nights!!!

Every week we try and incorporate date night into our routine. It doesn't have to be dining out, going out or spending a lot of money.

All it is, is dedicating alone time for you and your partner to spend uninterrupted. Even if it is Netflix and chill.

Just try to mix it up a bit. No one wants to do the same thing over and over again. It becomes boring. Jay took me to  dinner at this cute little mom and pop traditional italian restaurant a few weeks back. It was amazing!

Last week, he randomly took me to a comedy festival which was fantastic! I laughed really hard and thoroughly enjoyed myself!

This weekend we did a lot of Netflix and chill. We just hung out, drank wine and watched some Love Island. It was just a chilled relaxing weekend.

This time alone gives you the opportunity to reconnect. Talk about your hopes, your dreams, your plans, whatever you want!

Try to put your phone on silent and do not play with it even when you feel fidgety or there is a long silence. 

Get back into feeling comfortable in each other’s company for extended periods without a TV or phones or any distractions.

If you can do this, you will build emotional intimacy which will ultimately fill your love banks.

In Conclusion

I encourage you to read the books by Gary Chapman, “The 5 Love Languages” and "The 5 Languages of Apology". 

We decided to read his and hers books called “Kingdom Woman” by Chrystal Evans Hurst Tony Evans and “Kingdom Man” by Tony Evans as well. 

This gave a lot of perspective for doing things the christian way.  I would also recommend that you read “Creative Romance” by Doug Fields as he talks about combating insensitivity and neglect through creative romantic actions.

I hope this post was useful especially if you are actively looking to keep your relationship strong in love, compassion, sensitivity and empathy. 

I wish I had an understanding of these points much earlier than this, but I guess everything happens for a reason and in its own time. 

I'm just happy I now know and have found someone who actively seeks to make me happy and vise versa. 

I don't manage to apply every single one of these all the time but I try as much as possible and you know they say practice makes perfect!

If you follow me on Instagram, you know the ups and downs I’ve been going through. If you want to know more or connect with with me more, head on over to my Instagram  and Facebook pages. 

Lord knows you can relate to the different things that I go through. so don't forget to follow me on all social media!

What do you think? have you tried any of these approaches to your relationships? what approach has worked for you in the past? let me know in the comments below.

Watch out for the next part in this series!

Until the next post. Ciao!

Love,