Unrequited Love Series: Best Friends Cont…
I’m ready to share now... In this next part of the Unrequited Love Series we are going to talk about my second best friend.
When I recall why we don’t talk anymore...my chest tightens up just a little bit. Then I replay the highlights of our friendship and realised… it was time….
I've felt some type of way about unrequited love situations that have settled into a pattern in my life and I feel this has been especially significant in friendships, Particularly with my so called best friends.
Some people have asked me... “how can you have unrequited love with a best friend?”.
I don’t care what anyone says. If I give you a piece of my heart, doesn’t have to be romantic...just has to be someone close to me, I expect it to be treated with a certain level of care.
I expect honesty and respect but above all things, i expect not to be taken for granted. I don’t think that is too much to ask.
But I digress….let’s jump into this story about my second best friend…. We shall call her Tori.
The Beginning
It was time to start University and I was pretty pumped! I had missed freshers week but I was ready to make up for lost time. It was a new country, new city, new school, new everything!!! New chance to start over and make some fantastic memories and I was not going to let the chance pass me by.I was with my sister and her friends and she turns around to me and said “off you go! Go and make friends!!! You can’t hang out with me the whole time you know”. I thought oh crap! I didn’t really know where to start! It was my first day on campus and people seemed to have settled into their routine already.
I felt out of sorts and really didn’t know where to start to meet people. I was already living off campus which makes it that little bit harder to bump into people and make friends. But I was willing to make the effort.
I can be shy sometimes but I hide it by trying to be the life of a group of people. I know! Its twisted! It just means I can pull people into conversations or topics that I feel more comfortable with and that way, I can avoid a lot of social awkwardness. Basically, if I lead the conversation, i can direct where it goes so I dont get myself stuck in a rut.
I was looking around and trying to decide where to explore and I saw a girl standing near the bus stop beside a tree. She shuffled a lot and seemed super uncomfortable like she wanted to disappear into the shadow of the tree for some reason.
Somehow, I am naturally drawn to people who struggle to overcome their shyness. I almost want to help them the way I have been able to help myself. It usually works too! And this was the case with Tori.
Another girl, Tami, came up to her and they looked like they were having one of those conversations that seemed to be a struggle. I decided to walk right up to them and say “Hi! I’m Lolly. I just got here. What are you guys getting up to?”.
They were both a bit taken aback by my directness and said they were off to the local grocery store as the campus store was nicknamed “Select and Rob”, which was quite apt I must say, as it was such a rip off!
I took my courage in hand and asked them if I could tag along so I know where everything is in this new town. Thankfully there were very happy for me to join and so began our friendship.
Tori, I found out, was very opinionated when you got her talking, but much more on things like politics, women’s rights. She was painfully shy in general social settings.
She felt she never came across the right way and was always misunderstood. She ended up speaking very little if she didn’t know someone and would only murmur agreeably in general topics of conversations unless asked directly.
I was the complete opposite of her where I tended to bring up topics that most people could relate to but talk about the exciting parts that would get the whole group going.
One of the major ones we always discussed was ..what would you do if someone was your friend but you were not that close and you found out they were being cheated on. Now this type ice breaker always got a group going no matter where we were.
I helped her with more social aspects of things, she helped me with more intellectual, world news things.
She would read the newspaper and summaries each article to me and I would watch the latest tv show and pop culture news and give her the summary. This way we were both up to date on all aspects of the world. It was truly a match made in heaven.
I dragged her to parties and she dragged me to debates. I dragged her shopping, she dragged me to bible fellowship. One would say I was a bad influence on her. I felt we were the other half of each other.
The Good Samaritan
In that first year of uni, my family was going through very hard financial times. I remember not eating for 2 weeks at a go! I would drink a lot of water every day to get rid of the hunger pangs. I didn’t have much of an allowance then, and whatever came was very sporadic and not much to live on.It got to a point where I hardly had money to get the bus into uni, so I started missing classes and my grades slipped.
I remember Tori asked me why she didn’t see me around as much anymore. I had to just bite the bullet and tell her the truth about my financial situation. She was horrified that I had been going through all that and didn’t say anything. She offered up her room on campus for times closer to deadlines and exams so that I could at least pass into the next year.
I’ve never had anyone other than family do something like that for me at that time and to say that it touched my heart would be an understatement. Till this day, I am very grateful for her support when I was at my lowest.
Although we agreed I would only stay over at critical times, I tended to stay over more often that not. She would buy food and I would cook. She let me use her laptop to write my last minute papers when the library was closed.
Two Birds With One Stone
Things got better financially and I stayed in my place off campus more. I would invite her over for dinners and sometimes even try to get a few girls to come as well so we could make a night of it. For some reason she never wanted to come over. It raised alarm bells in my mind but I shrugged it off and said well… she’s always been that type of way so don’t try to change her.One time, she decides she hasn’t hung out with me in ages and decides to come over. I was very excited and even made one of our favourite meals, bought some wine and was going to make a day of it. Only to find out that she only came over to do her laundry.
Apparently, instead of paying £20 for laundry on campus, she would only pay for £3.50 for the bus to come to mine and do all her laundry then head on back once it was done. “Might as well kill 2 birds with one stone”.
I was very hurt by that. I didn’t think I was a chore that she needed to tick off a list. I definitely didn’t see our friendship that way. I decided to speak to her about it and I told her my feelings on the matter.
She apologised and wanted to leave but to be honest I still wanted to hang out with my friend. I couldn’t understand why she still wanted to leave even though we had settled the matter.
I point blank asked her why she would want to leave when we had agreed to settle matters. If she didn’t really want us to hang out anymore or be friends, It was best for her to say it then and there.
Remember… I had gone through something similar with Heather and I had told her about this… I didn’t want another shit show!!! She brushed it off as part of her social awkwardness and I let it go.
We both had a mutual friend called Ashley. Although Ashley was on the same course as Tori, she was closer to me as she enjoyed a bit of a laugh and the party scene. Ashley would always come and spend time with me with or without Tori. So I was very baffled about Tori.
I noticed that anytime I mentioned Ashley was coming over, she would all of a sudden want to come over as well. I found this very bizarre. You only want to hang out if Ashley is there but when we talk you somehow hate Ashley’s guts???
I didn’t do too well in first year because I could hardly make it into school and my grades reflected the hard year I had. In the end I had to redo a few modules and was then behind a year.
Have Your Cake and Eat It
In second year, things had improved drastically with finances. I had double the allowance I was supposed to have and didn’t get in first year.I always ensured that I bought Tori anything she wanted but couldn’t afford. She had a student loan and was mindful of her spending. From outfits for our nights out to food to tickets for day outings. I felt that I could finally repay her for some of the things she did for me.
She hated to cook so I bought and cooked all our dishes. I did her make up for parties and I made sure we were both killing it!
We were both finally on campus and living our best lives. From student nights out to travelling for parties to making new friends and throwing our own parties filled with food, booze, fun and laughter.
Final year of uni was approaching for her and I was going into second year. It was time for us to get accommodation close to each other again. We had already agreed that we would apply for space in the same building.
Once we got back to uni, I met all my new dorm mates but Tori was nowhere to be found. I rang her but couldn’t get her on the phone. I decided to wait it out and see if she was ok.
Eventually she came to see me and told me she got accomodation in a completely different building across campus!
I was so confused. Why would you agree to be close by if you didn’t want to? And if you didn’t want to then why didn’t you just say something?
She said I would distract her from studying and she just had to do what was best for her. Fair enough…
I didn’t want her to be distracted either and I took her at her word and promised not to call with any distractions. I’m a social butterfly and so I went out and continued on with life and only hung out with Tori when she initiated contact. I kept up with my studies and did well for myself too!
But before I knew it, Tori started showing signs of jealousy. She started with the passive aggressive remarks and then finally said I don’t bother with her anymore. Like decide what you want already!!! You can’t have your cake and eat it!!! Red flag! Cant have fun with you and cant have fun without you?!!!
What Goes Around Comes Back Around
She finished uni and went on to do a masters in another town. I cracked on with final year. We called, we sent each other blackberry messages and kept in contact weekly.One day, she called me and was balling her eyes out. She couldn’t make ends meet and hadn’t eaten in weeks! I was horrified! My besti was going through all this and didn’t say a word to me! I dropped everything and went to see her at her uni.
First thing we did was go to Burger King and get her the biggest meal combo. Then she told me she was going though very similar financial issues as I was in first year. Of course I couldn’t let her go through that and this was the perfect opportunity to pay it forward.
I took her to the grocery store and got her a few month’s worth of food then we bought some wine and I let her get all her concerns off her chest. And finally when it was time for me to go, I left her with half of my allowance that month and told her I’d do that every month till she got on her feet.
I couldn’t let her go through all that by herself. I knew exactly how it felt and didn’t want my person going through it too.
I did well and passed with honours and so did she. We were finally free and ready to face the real world! I did a masters and also did well in that then moved to london for work and she lived in london so we were back in the same city...yay!!!
Her house wasn’t the best for hanging out so I would invite her over to mine. It was like pulling teeth to get her to come over each time. I had made friends through work and I spent much more time with them than I ever did with her.
My work friends and I would go for afternoon tea each month and she was livid that she wasn’t invited to any of these monthly rituals. The one time I brought her along, I was told not to bring her again because she made them uncomfortable with her social awkwardness.
She had her own table with all her friends and I saw Tami from uni there. Was excited to see a familiar face and we chatted and caught up.
Tami started telling me about this holiday that she had been planning with all the girls on the table. They all sounded so excited!
They were all going to Italy and had planned everything down to a T. it took 9 months of planning so the anticipation had really built. I asked if Tori was also going and they laughed and said she had been the main planner for the trip.
I work in hospitality and I remember that a few months back, Tori had asked me if I could get her friends and family rates for Italy for a friend of hers. I did give her the special rates but she said they were too high in the end.
I put two and two together and came up with a very concrete four. She was asking for her and her girls but I wasn’t part of her girls apparently.
I waited for her to come to the table and asked her if she was excited for the trip to Italy. Her response was glitchy to say the least. A lot of stuttering and facial ticks but in the end she said “It’s not what it looks like”.
It looked to me like she planned a girly holiday and did not include me in on the trip and didnt want me there!!! I wasn’t good enough but my connections in hotels and favourable rates were still up for grabs???!!!
Once again!!!It means that she has been getting the benefits of me placing her at a higher level of importance and care and affection and compromises and sacrifices and ALL that!!! But not reciprocating in the exact same way!!!
Tori did this knowing full well that she did not feel the same way but let me think she felt the same knowing she were reaping the benefits of that scenario without having to sacrifice anything on her end.
In the end the trip was a shit show...karma… gotta love karma!
Fear Of Missing Out?
She begged me to plan a trip for just us two as I am really the better planner between us. I have the connections to get the best experiences. Also… I have a metric system for choosing who I want to go on holidays with. I might write a post on that some time…I finally start planning a girly trip to Geneva. I have a friend who lives there and wanted to see her and enjoy a new place I had not seen.
I booked a 5 star hotel on a complimentary basis, got upgraded to a room with the best view of the Jet D’Eau and had a local friend who would take me to the best sightseeing locations, best restaurants and best nightlife.
It was absolutely perfect. All I asked Tori to do was book her flight.
Once again… red flags! It was like pulling teeth. In the end I decided to go by myself and just hang out with my friend. The moment Tori found out that I had someone there with me, she decided she was coming on the trip. It’s like she doesn’t want to be my friend but I also can’t have any friends.
Maybe FOMO? Who knows...
It was a fantastic trip of course! My friend was amazing! She took us everywhere and we had a fantastic time. One of the best trips I’ve ever been on.
Back in london, everything went back to being the same. Eventually i moved to nigeria for some years. I went back to london for a few months holiday and once again… i only saw my best friend three times in the whole ten weeks I was there.
By this stage we had been friends for ten years. I told her that friends grow apart and it’s ok. She insisted that was not the case and that we were still very much best friends.
This was her chance to finally move on as it seemed to me that was what she wanted. Apparently I was wrong….maybe it was me...
Caught in a Lie
I went back to Nigeria and she visited a year or so later. By then I had started analysing the relationships around me and how they affect my psyche and I realised that our relationship was a bit of a head f*ck.We planned to meet at an outdoor live band event on a friday. By friday morning, she messaged me and said she was ill and couldn’t make it to the event. I told her to feel better and I decided to go along anyway as I was already excited to be out friday night. I asked my sister to come along with me and off we went!
My sister asked her “I guess you are feeling better now huh?”. She started this fake coughing all of a sudden and it felt like a moment out of a movie or something. Her cousin was embarrassed and said she did not know Tori was ill and that was the first she had heard about it! Massively thrown under the bus!!!LOL!
I just told her to have a great night and walked off to enjoy the show. That was the last straw for me. It was the final act that broke what was left of our friendship.
She didn’t apologise and we haven’t spoken since. Well… two years later, she saw my wedding photos on social media and messaged me a big long epistle on how she didn’t know I was getting married and how happy she was for me and wanted to know everything.
My response was “Thank you and take care”. I blocked her on all social media and now I’m the better for it.
Let It Go
I have had enough drama with men in the past...I didn’t need that kind of drama from supposed best friends either.I mentioned three key things that are really important for me when it comes to close relationships…
1. Honestly, 2. Respect and 3. Not taken for granted.
In my evaluations of relationships around me, I knew Tori and I had come to a head. What brought us together as friends was no longer applicable.
We both filled out those other parts of our lives that the other person was helping with. I got closer to God and she...well… don’t know what happened there actually….
The give and take just wasn’t balanced, respect was lacking, honestly was lacking and I felt that I was being taken for granted.
We had some good times. The positive just dont out weight the negatives anymore...
Some people might see it as a rant. It might well be to be honest! But really, it is just a space to put my thoughts down. Im sure I'm not the only one who has felt that they have lost a close friend over time.
Sometimes you grow apart. Other times your individual evolution does not allow for the relationship to evolve together. Sometimes it may be that the person is not healthy for your emotional growth.
What has been your experience in this? Let me know in the comments.
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Until the next post. Ciao!
Love,
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